Sweet Sorrow
by Leslie Emm
Summary: Set between season 8 and 9 somewhere. Flack centric with appearances from the rest of the team at some points, no crime.
1. Chapter 1

Sweet Sorrow

_This was inspired by two things, firstly Myriad 13's story 'Man and his dog' which is excellent, and then after reviewing, Myr kindly pointed me in the direction of a clip of Flack with said dog from the series. So a big thank you to Myriad 13 for the inspiration! It will contain relatively few glimpses of CSI:NY life, and focus on Flack outside work, and of course, his dog. The team will make appearances. Hope you enjoy! Ohhh how I missed Flack :)_

…...

Chapter 1

Detective Don Flack stretched and yawned, scratching at the stubble on his chin. Blinking blearily he felt the body next to him stir and roll over and he smiled.

"C'mon" he grumbled "No eggs benny this morning, quick trip around the park and then I'm gonna have to go to work"

He winced as a wet nose snuffled in his ear and he sat up, petting the dog on her side as she sprawled next to him.

"An' no tellin' anyone I let you share my bed" he told the dog as he swung his legs over the side of the bed "Messer will have no end of witty one liners"

The dog yawned and sneezed in response and then bounded from the bed next to him, jumping about in anticipation of her early morning walk.

…...

Don leaned down and unclipped the leash from his medium sized dog of indeterminate breed by his side and fastened it around his neck. Watching her take off onto the grass and roll around he was torn between happiness at her simple joy for life and concern about _what_ she might have found to roll in.

Setting off along the path at a half hearted run he once again considered his decision to get a dog. His job and lifestyle didn't exactly lend itself to commitment of any type, and as he'd discovered, dogs could be tying. And expensive. But he didn't regret it. The name, one she'd come with, was something he eagerly shared with the running shorts adorned girls that seemed to appear from all angles in the park, it seemed to earn him lovely smiles. He had however, avoided telling anyone at work, or the lab, that his dog was called Sweetie...oh he could almost _hear_ Danny Messers laughter already.

Loping along it took him a few moments to notice that Sweetie wasn't in her habitual spot next to him and he glanced around as he ran, to no avail. Frowning he stopped running, turning a full circle and calling her name.

He spotted her a few metres across the park, nose to nose with a huge German Shepherd dog, it all looked quite friendly from where he stood. The big dog was wagging his long tail high and Sweetie was wagging her whole back end, in much the same way she did when he came home from work and she greeted him at the door. And _that_ he realised, was exactly why he had got a dog.

He whistled and called a couple of times, but apart from turning her head in his direction, Sweetie continued her perusal of her new friend.

"Typical woman" he sighed, setting off across the grass towards them "Somethin' better comes along an' they forget you exist...Hey!" he called "When you've finished I got a job to get to! Oh no don't …...oh God that's disgusting..."

Don grimaced as the dogs inspected each other more intimately, picking up speed he jogged towards them.

"Hey, get your nose out of his butt...geez I arrest people for shit like that...Stop _it_!" he said trying to grab Sweetie's collar but she eluded him, bounding around the larger dog, barking in excitement before the two dogs took off in a high speed game of chase.

"Well that's lovely you made a new friend..." he sighed in defeat, looking around for the owner of the German Shepherd in the vain hope they might be able to exert more influence over their dog than he could his. Trying to think of any excuse he could use for being late for work that didn't involve dogs and their peculiar ways of introducing themselves...

"Sampson!" Don looked in the direction of the voice and squinted through his aviators he wore to protect his eyes from the already blazing sun. A woman ran towards him in the measured strides of what he called a 'jolly jogger', a pace designed not to dislodge make up or hair with the unfortunate business of sweating. It didn't detract from the amount of smooth bronzed skin on show as she bent to clip the leash onto the apparently obedient German Shepherd and tut to herself as Sweetie didn't get the hint and followed him.

"Hey Sweetie...c'mon" he wheedled, stepping closer "I don't think Sampson has time to play..." he fixed the blonde with a killer smile "Sorry" he apologised "Sweetie just loves to play..."

The blonde smiled back "Sweetie suits her" she purred, as Sampson sat stock still beside her watching as Don and his dog engaged in a dance of human-makes-grab-for-collar-dog-leaps-out-of-way.

_Score 1_ Don thought as he finally succeeded in clutching the dogs collar and holding her squirming body still enough to clip the leash back on.

"She came with the name" he smiled back "But it sure does suit her"

"She's _very_ cute" the blonde told him, with eyes as wide and blue as he could remember seeing in a long time, directed at him anyway "Did you rescue her then? If you didn't name her yourself?"

"Yeah" Don tried not to yank too hard on the leash as Sweetie's antics were barely contained by his hand on it "I'm a sucker for a pretty face"

The blonde smiled again "I know what you mean" she purred again "But I like the protection and safety of a big guy like Sampson at my side"

"Sensible" Don nodded sagely, not taken in for a second. _This_ apparently, was a great upside to dog ownership.

"Well, I'm sure that Sweetie and Sampson will get the chance to play again soon" she said, biting her lower lip slightly as she finished and fixing him with a look that made him think he was sure they would too.

"I think they'd like that" he replied.

"'Bye" she smiled and set off jogging away from him again.

Don watched her go for a moment or two and then looked down at his dog.

"You're totally forgiven for that" he told her "Just make sure that before you run after another dog, the owners a hot girl, OK?"

Sweetie barked her answer and Don set off a little faster on his way home, hopefully to make up enough time that he could blame any lateness on traffic.

…...

It was almost 2am before Don turned the key in his front door again, and he was exhausted.

Sweetie greeted him with slobbery delight as she usually did and Don stooped to fuss and pet her, as he always did. He saw the note on the counter from his sister, who'd stopped by to give Sweetie a quick walk and feed her when it became apparent that he was going to be tied up for most of the night.

_When am I going to be asked to babysit your kids instead of your dog?_

Was all it said. It was a standing joke between them after they had started to become close again. Despite both of their parents no longer being around, their grandmother never failed to mention her distinct lack of great grandchildren from them, and to remind them that age waited for no man nor woman.

Sam had once made the mistake of thinking that the old lady was talking of her own advanced years and that she may not live long enough to see their off spring. Gran, in her time honoured fashion had put her right in her place.

"_I didn't mean me Samantha!" the old lady had admonished "I mean you two! You have a biological clock that's ticking away and you don't get to wind it up again my dear!"_

_Don had almost choked in his haste not to appear to be laughing at his sisters expression._

"_And as for you..." he'd looked innocent as she turned her assault on him "You may be able to father a child until the day you die, but my boy, who's going to let you if you don't marry a nice girl now? You're not getting any younger and looks don't last forever"_

_And Sam had her revenge._

Don crumpled the piece of paper up and tossed it into the trash, opening the refrigerator he saw nothing desirable and closed it again.

"Bed" he said to the dog.


	2. Chapter 2

Sweet Sorrow

Chapter 2

The case had dragged on for most of the following day, the heat of the summer and the dry air seeming to make the city crazy and the heat hit again as he opened his apartment door when he finally called it a day. Shortly followed by a set of paws hitting his stomach.

"Hey baby" Detective Don Flack said, stroking the dogs head "Hot in here huh?"

The dog twirled in excited delight and barked her agreement.

"Hey settle down" he said wearily "I need a shower before we hit the park"

She sat and whined at him, raking at his leg with a paw in protest.

"I know right" he grinned at her "But you remember that big German Shepherd you took a fancy to? Course you do" he said as he walked towards the balcony doors that bordered his lounge area "Well, his owners kinda hot too, don't want them thinkin' we're hobo's that don't wash now do we?"

Sweetie grumbled an answer as he opened the patio doors wide and headed for the bathroom.

"Fifteen minutes" he promised her "And we'll be outta here"

His answer was a bark as he switched the shower on.

…...

Eight minutes later Don picked up his i-pod from the counter along with the dog leash and caught his reflection in the full length mirror hung in the lounge area, he flattened a hand over his hair, still wet and remembered, as he did, how he had acquired the mirror in the first place.

"_It's extra long" Danny had grinned at him "So you can see **all** of your horrendous dress sense"_

"_Messer" Don had replied drily "Ain't my fault you're a short ass"_

_Danny had laughed and turned to Lindsay "Thanks we get huh? For scouring the city for a house warming present for him..."_

"_It's from the department store down the street" Lindsay told him "If you don't like it you can exchange it, happy new home Don"_

"_Thanks Linds" he'd replied sincerely "And it's great, thank you, the only mirrors in the last apartment stayed, so it was something I needed to buy anyway"_

_Lindsay smiled at him as Danny rolled his eyes in friendly disgust._

He checked his reflection, shorts and tshirt with sneakers that would hopefully give him the look of someone who ran on a regular basis, and he was certain about that. The hot owner of the hot GSD may jog, he was a guy, guys _run_. He picked up the dogs leash and looked around, realising that she wasn't under his feet like normal.

"Hey?!" he called "Sweetie c'mon! You wanna go nose to butt with that GSD ya need ta shift your ass!"

Silence. Don frowned and glanced towards the bedroom, wouldn't be the first time the dog had taken umbrage towards him and sulked on the bed, _flat out_ on the bed. He pushed the half open door wide, seeing the mess he had left behind that morning, unmade bed, last nights clothes on the floor and glasses of water fighting empty coffee cups for space on the bedside counter. But no Sweetie.

He stepped back into the living area and looked around, the front door was firmly shut and there was no dog in sight, and then his stomach disappeared as his eyes stopped on the open balcony doors. He could see the entire balcony from where he stood, and Sweetie wasn't there either.

Taking a deep breath Don stepped onto the balcony, but there was no sign of the dog.

_Surely she's not dumb enough to...?_ he thought as he steeled himself to look over the balcony railing to the street below.

Swallowing he craned his neck over to look.

…...

As he did he heard a low whine and the noise of claws against glass from his right, and he turned towards the sound.

"How the...?" he exclaimed as he realised that his dog was on the balcony _next door_ and New York was carrying on with it's life 20 floors below and not crowded around a prone figure on the side walk.

And then he saw the crack in the frosted high screen he'd been meaning to fix since moving in had become a hole, a _Sweetie_ sized hole, and the chair he'd put in front of it was further back than he'd left it.

Feeling relief and annoyance in equal measure, Don crouched by the hole, going further onto his hands and knees before the screen that allowed each tenant of the apartments privacy without cutting out light. Easing his head and shoulders through the hole he caught sight of his dog sitting before next doors balcony door, peering intently through.

"Hey!" he hissed "Get your ass over here!"

The dog snapped her head in his direction and trotted over to him, covering his face in wet licks before stiffening and bounding back to the door as it opened. He watched as she twirled with delight as a pair of bare feet stepped onto the balcony.

"You're back huh?" a woman's voice said "Ya know, your owners gonna start wonderin' where you disappear off to someday"

Sweetie barked and twirled again at the feet, then trotted proudly over to Don, licking his face again as he knelt halfway between the balconies, utterly speechless with embarrassment.

"Oh" the feet stopped short "You brought a friend"

Don looked from his dog slowly up the legs and body before him before meeting a pair of amused eyes.

_Oh good_ he thought dryly _she's hot. Couldn't be some old lady to catch me like this could it?!_

Don coughed "Hi" he said "My dog er..."

The woman brushed hair out of her face and regarded him in his prone position.

"Yes, she has" the woman confirmed "Does it quite often actually. I don't mind, she's sweet"

"She does?!" Don spluttered.

"Yeah" the woman shrugged "Couple a weeks she's been visiting, only for a few minutes and then she goes home again"

"Right" Don ground out "Must get this hole fixed..."

"Like I said I don't mind" she replied, stroking Sweetie's ears as she butted her hand with the top of her head "Though I'm not so sure you're going to fit through...or that it's appropriate..."

"No right" Don spluttered, glaring daggers at the dog "I thought this place was empty...Just wanted to see where she was..."

"Well I'm sure if you back up, she'll come on home" the woman replied dryly.

"Sure" Don said.

"I'm Megan by the way" she said, almost as an afterthought.

"Uh...Don, _Detective_ Don Flack" he replied, somehow thinking it was important, considering the circumstances he met his neighbour under, that she know he was an officer of the law.

Megan folded her arms "So tell me Detective" she drawled with the tell tale New York accent "Would this be considered breaking and entering?"

Don coughed again "Retrieval of a wayward animal" he spluttered "Sweetie, _come here_"

The dog trotted obediently back to him and he grabbed her collar, hauling both of them back through the hole.

"Well, um, sorry to have bothered you Megan..." he apologised.

"No problem" Came the light reply "See you around"

Don glared at the dog, standing up and brushing himself off "Retrieval of a wayward animal?" he muttered to himself, he didn't even know if such a thing existed, he'd made it up on the spot "And this time...so not forgiven"

…...


	3. Chapter 3

Sweet Sorrow

Chapter 3

Don Flack yawned and stretched in the front seat of the car, night had brought some relief from the relentless heat but no sign of the suspected murderer that he was looking for.

"Central?" he spoke quietly into his standard issue radio "This is 8571"

"Go ahead Flack"

Don grinned at the control handlers knowledge of his name just by his voice and badge number before answering.

"No sign of suspect at this address, any other updates?"

"Nothing" the handler replied "All quiet"

"10-4" Don sighed "I'm gonna call it a night, don't look like she's comin' home to visit mommy any time soon"

"10-4 Flack" the handler confirmed "Posting you off duty, behave yourself"

Don chuckled "Don't I always"

Two bursts of static signified the end of the conversation and he snapped his belt into place and started the car, taking a bleary look at the time he decided that it'd be almost light when he got home, he'd walk the dog while it was cool and quiet and get his head down for a few hours before heading back to work. He hoped that the CSI team might have turned up a lead he could chase down for his suspect by then.

…...

Don stopped and bent to tie his sneaker lace. A ruse designed to provide an alibi of him not seeing when Sweetie took off in her comical run towards the blonde and German Shepherd. Looking up and adjusting his aviators he grinned his smug smile a second as he stood before arranging his face in indulgent annoyance at the 'disobedience' of his wayward animal.

The expression changed to one of shock followed by the acute embarrassment he was becoming more acquainted with where Sweetie was concerned. Sweetie ran full force into the other dog, not giving herself time to stop in her excitement. The German Shepherd tried valiantly to stay on his feet but succumbed to the battle and tumbled into his mistress' legs, who fought her own battle with gravity, and lost.

"Ah shit" Don grumbled as the blondes impressive legs tangled with those of two dogs trying to right themselves, Sweetie took this as an invitation to play and launched herself onto the woman. In his haste to reach them Don didn't fail to notice that his dog seemed to admire the same things about the woman he did, where she had her face was one of the places he'd quite like to...

"Oh My God I'm sorry!" he puffed, grabbing Sweetie's collar and hauling her away "Are you all right?"

Brushing the hair from her face she gave him an appealing smile "Just a knock!" she laughed "I'm fine!"

Don breathed a not so subtle sigh of relief and held his free hand out politely, a small cool one accepted his offer and he helped her to her feet.

"She's a little enthusiastic" the blonde said with a giggle, Don looked at her dog, the impressive Sampson looked regal and aloof again, regarding Sweetie with disinterested disdain, but his tail wagged still.

"She is" he agreed, holding the hand a little longer than was maybe warranted "Say, can I buy you a coffee erm...?" he looked at her and laughed "I don't even know your name!"

"Poppy" she smiled back at him and Don felt a response in the pit of his stomach and smiled back.

"Don" he supplied "Nice to meet you...and sorry again about Sweetie"

Poppy brushed herself off and laughed "Don't even mention it" she grinned.

"Still..." Don raised his eyebrows "Coffee? I'll take it out of her allowance..."

Poppy laughed again "I'd love to" she replied "There's a place just a bit further on with tables outside and water for the dogs"

"Sounds perfect" he smiled back and stepped next to her as they started to walk.

…...

"I really should get going" Poppy said, getting gracefully to her feet, Sampson stood at the same time, trying to ignore Sweetie as she tried to shove her nose in his ear.

"Yeah me too" Don agreed, surreptitiously pulling his dog back a few inches.

"Thank you" she reached out a hand and Don shook it, holding eye contact until she dropped her hand and her cheeks tinged pink "For the coffee, or should I say..." she stooped and petted Sweetie "Thank _you_ for the coffee"

Don laughed "She says it's the least she can do, given she knocked you and Sampson flying"

Poppy gave a titter "Do you really give your dog an allowance?"

"No" Don admitted "The coffee was on me"

"Well thank you" she smiled "Maybe we can do it again sometime"

"Without you being flattened by my dog?" Don asked with a chuckle "I'd love to"

"Me too" Poppy replied, giving him a look that made him swallow "Good bye Don, and Sweetie"

"'Bye" Don held his hand in farewell and waited until they were out of sight before looking down at his dog who had taken advantage of her masters distraction to rifle through the garbage on the floor nearby.

"Get out!" Don demanded and she backed off sheepishly, turning her head endearingly onto one side to regard him and wagging her tail, lifting her front paws at him as he laughed at her "It's a damned good job you're cute" he told her "Come on, home, I need to go to bed. On my own, apparently"

Sweetie trotted obediently next to him as they left the park and wandered along the streets on the way home. Despite his weariness, Don Flack had a spring in his step.

…...

Don took the bottom of his t-shirt and wiped the sweat from his face before fishing his key to his mailbox from his pocket. The heat had started to kick in again as he'd made his way home.

"More damned bills" he huffed as Sweetie snuffled and wagged her way along the floor of the foyer.

Both looked up as the elevator doors pinged and opened, before they were fully open Sweetie went into a paroxysm of delight, her whole body wagging almost to greet the woman in military uniform that stepped off. She looked professional, pale and totally unaffected by the heat that was fast making Don irritable and snappy added to his lack of sleep, a contrast to a mere half hour since. However despite his short temper, Don was always ready to stand aside and show respect for someone who wore a military uniform.

"Hey doggie" the woman said and Don frowned in recognition as she fussed his dog, she looked at him coolly "Nice to see you upright Detective Don"

Don coughed as the penny dropped, his neighbour Megan.

"Oh hey Megan" he said uncertainly "Sweetie, c'mon...come here"

"She's OK" Megan replied "Sweetie? That her name?"

"Yeah" Don gave a noise between a laugh and snort of derision.

"Suits her" she nodded, continuing to fuss the dog.

"It does" Don agreed, finally managing to secure the leash again in his hand "She thinks everyone's her best friend"

"Let's hope she never needs to find out different" Megan replied, with almost a tint of sadness.

"So..." Don didn't want to appear rude but this woman made him uncomfortable and he had no idea why "Ah...Navy right?"

"Yes" she confirmed, one syllable, no more.

"Well ah, happy sailin'" he smiled, backing away slightly.

"I'm on indefinite leave" she said suddenly, with a look on her face that said she had no idea _why_ she'd just parted with this information.

"Oh" Don frowned, what else could he say really?

"I'm going to my husbands memorial service" she added, and he realised _why_ she made him uncomfortable, it was the look in her eyes, the one he'd faced in his own eyes every day since Jess had died.

"I'm sorry" he said quickly "For your loss"

"Thank you" she said politely, stepping around the dog and forward "Nice to see you again"

And she was gone, and he watched her go with a mixture of shock, sympathy and unhappy memories twisting in his gut as she opened the door.

"Megan?" he called on impulse and swallowed as she turned to see what he wanted "Are you going on your own?"

"No" she didn't quite meet his eyes "I'm meeting people there"

He nodded his satisfaction and she continued through the door and out onto the street, and Don decided that he didn't fancy the stuffy interior of an elevator right now, he felt crushed enough.


	4. Chapter 4

Sweet Sorrow

Chapter 4

Three days of hard work had awaited Don before his due days off. Turning over blearily on the first morning off, he cracked an eyelid at the alarm clock by the bed and huffed. Dragging covers over his head he determinedly screwed his gritty eyes shut again. The curse of odd sleep patterns was the inability to sleep past five or six hours at a time. He ignored the not so subtle nudging in his back for a while before he ventured from under the sanctuary of his duvet again and turned his head towards his tormentor.

"It's 6.30 am" he told the endearing eyes that looked at him "And my day off, not a damned chance"

Sweetie reached out her nose and licked the tip of his chin, her tail waving softly.

"An' I don't care _how_ cute you are" he added.

The dog rolled onto her back and stretched, her jowls following gravity and making her whole face smile as she writhed on her back, groaning and sneezing.

"You're an idiot" he said fondly and at his voice she flung herself back over and crawled towards him, giving a final sneeze in his face.

Don withdrew an arm from the covers and wiped his face in disgust.

"Thanks" he said dryly "Dog snot, how charming"

In reply Sweetie lay her head on his chest and gazed up at him, and not for the first time Don felt humbled and grateful for the complete trust that shone in her eyes. A lot of people depended on him in one form or another, his sister for support, his gran for the odd jobs and to satisfy her mothering need. Mac and the team for his knowledge and skills as a police officer, the general public to keep them safe from the monsters that roamed the streets. But all those came with the conditions of responsibility, that he look, speak and behave in a certain way. The dog required nothing from him in return for her love, just that he be there. Of course she required certain things to keep her well and healthy, and he provided them willingly, but ultimately he knew, sadly from professional experience, that even if he didn't feed her, didn't walk her, didn't show her any affection, she'd still be loyal to him.

She didn't care if he didn't shower or shave for days, or if he only ate pizza and drank beer for a week. The dirty dishes in the sink, the inch of dust that adorned everything and the laundry basket spewing it's content across his bedroom didn't concern her. She didn't care what he watched on TV, if he crashed on the sofa in his work clothes or if he gave in to the temptation of the odd cigarette. She was always pleased to see him, and pleased he was there.

He stroked the top of her head gently and her soft ears as he lay, and she sighed in deep contentment, an action that Don mirrored.

Her presence also prevented him from waking alone each morning, and still 5 years on, remembering why and contemplating what each morning may have brought had things been different.

…...

Opening his eyes and immediately shading them from the glare of the sun, Don realised that he must have slept again. The bedroom felt stuffy and too hot and there was a notable absence next to him.

Swinging out of bed he padded through to the living area and saw the reason for the absence. He wrinkled his nose at the smell and watched as Sweetie crawled towards him with her ears flattened and her tail tucked beneath her, finally reaching him and rolling over in an act of ultimate submission.

"It's OK" he sighed, bending to scratch her bared tummy "It's my fault"

She licked his hand grateful that he wasn't angry but still slinked along just out of range as she watched him clean up the mess with guilty eyes.

Throwing open the balcony doors he took some juice out and the subdued dog followed him, laying at his feet as he sat down and took in the almost midday New York sky line.

"Well we missed the hot blonde and the hunky Sampson" he told her "Maybe tomorrow huh?"

He pulled a face as Sweetie suddenly jumped to her feet and scrambled across his own bare ones, her nose trying to shift the plant pot that Don had put in front of the hole again as her whole body wagged. She whined a few times and pawed at it in frustration.

His eyes widened as the pot started to move away from the hole and the dog wriggled closer, her wagging became more ecstatic as she had more access.

"Hey there" he heard a voice greet her "How you doin' huh?"

Don wasn't sure what to do. He'd assumed that the dog moved the planter, but now he had evidence that she wasn't the _only_ culprit. It would seem the woman next door was a willing accomplice. He frowned as Sweetie pulled back and saw what appeared to be bread and bacon in her mouth as she chewed and swallowed, surging forward again as the voice next door cooed at her.

He felt he should be annoyed that someone else was feeding his dog God knows what, what if she were allergic? What if she had to follow a strict diet? She was _his_ dog, and he wasn't sure he wanted to share. But he remained silent and still, interested to see what followed.

He thought that really, he couldn't complain about her being fed human food, wasn't his veterinarian always complaining that the dog was over weight and her teeth not the greatest? Although Don denied it, he knew himself that the reason was what he fed her. Alongside her (in his opinion) stupidly expensive, but highly recommended complete dog food, Sweetie enjoyed pizza, chips and dips, pasta, cake, sandwiches, donuts...well whatever he ate himself. He knew he shouldn't but he couldn't resist her pleading eyes, nor the thought that he was once again eating a lonely meal, and even if it was just his dog, he had a meal companion.

"No" he heard his neighbour say "No more today"

"You know" Don spoke finally "You keep feedin' her an' you'll never get rid of her"

A silence followed, filled with awkwardness.

"I'm sorry" Megan replied "I shouldn't...I shouldn't feed her without asking"

"It's fine" he answered "Bacon is probably a damned sight healthier than what I feed her sometimes"

It _wasn't_ fine, Don thought, but apart from not wanting to fall out with a neighbour, he would feel like a little old woman complaining about something so trivial.

"But next time you have a bacon sandwich goin' beggin'" he added "I wouldn't mind first refusal"

He heard a short laugh before she answered "You gonna crawl through the hole an' look at me like you never been fed too?"

"I could" he answered with a laugh "But like the dog, it'd be an act, because I do get fed"

"I know" the reply came quickly, and in a conciliatory tone "I don't give her it because I think she's hungry, it's because I don't want it"

Don frowned, what an odd thing to say "Then why make it?" he asked.

"I don't" he heard a sound that indicated she'd sat on something on her own balcony "My mom brings me one every morning on her way to work. Says I don't eat since...these days"

"Can't you just ask her not to?" he probed, not entirely sure why.

"It's not worth the lecture" she sighed "And I can't bin it because even though she thinks I don't know, she checks my garbage pail in the kitchen"

Don's mouth opened in shock "Why?!"

"For bottles" she answered quietly "Because apparently I drink too much too"

"You _are_ over 21 right?" Don asked, partly joking and partly serious.

"Well and truly" she replied "I'm 25, and until a fortnight ago, a married woman"

The memory of what she'd told him a few days before hit him and he didn't answer for a long moment.

"25 isn't well and truly over 21" he finally replied "Now me, _I'm_ well and truly over 21"

"I feel a hundred and 25" came the response, in a voice so flat it registered nothing.

What could he say? I'm sorry for your loss? It'll pass? Be positive? He was saved the trouble of useless platitudes when she spoke again.

"Anyway" her voice now had a determined quality "I'm sorry for feeding the dog, I won't do it any more if it bothers you"

"Feel free" he said quietly "She certainly doesn't mind"

"Thank you"

And then he heard her door shut softly and Sweetie stood for a few moments before turning and laying by his feet again.

All traces of indignation were gone now. Don felt desperately sorry for the woman next door. He knew that giving away her breakfast was more than just needing to destroy the evidence, it was about control. It was a small amount of control in her life when everything else was spiralling away. Don may not know her, may not know her life or anything about her except she'd lost someone she loved, but he knew about needing that control. However small the action may be, it served as a comfort that there was _something_ you could control still.

Draining his glass Don stood and went back into the apartment, he felt a little disturbed at the thoughts now crowding his head and decided that he needed to get out and think about something else.

…...

_My apologies for erratic updates, my life is ridiculously busy at the moment! I'll U/D when times allows. Thanks to you that are reading, following and to Smuffly for the reviews :) they are greatly appreciated. _


	5. Chapter 5

Sweet Sorrow

Chapter 5

The next morning saw Don and his dog once again taking in the cool air of the park as he ran along the asphalt path.

Sweetie barked in delight as she spotted her canine crush up ahead and gambolled off to join him. Squaring his shoulders Don looked around for his owner and spied her on a bench ahead, leaning over what looked like her sneaker in her hand. He jogged over, pushing his aviators up onto his head as he stopped in front of her.

"Problems?" he asked.

"Oh!" she looked up and grimaced "The sole just came right off!" she exclaimed "I've only had them a few weeks!"

Don took the offered shoe and examined it, an idea forming in his head.

"Well unfortunately" he said, giving the shoe back "I don't carry glue around with me, how far do you have to go?"

She sat back and looked up at him "Right across town" she sighed "We come here because it's designated for dogs and people can be funny around a dog like Sampson, especially with children, it's at least three miles"

Don gave her a slow and lazy smile "Well I live just over there" he pointed to a building that bordered the park "If you can manage until my place I can drop you home? I might even have some glue around somewhere..."

She returned his smile and Don felt a jolt of something...

"Thank you Don!" she said "People who say chivalry is dead have obviously never met you, you must make a good police officer"

He lapped up the compliment "They call us NYPD's finest for a reason" he grinned.

She removed her other shoe and stood, taking his proffered arm as they started to walk back in the direction of his apartment.

He mentally thanked his lucky stars for useless sneaker manufacturers as they walked, his height and position next to her giving him a view he only felt slightly guilty of taking advantage of now and again.

…...

Don was so totally absorbed in the story he was telling Poppy as they rode the elevator to his apartment, he stepped right off when the doors opened into someone heading the opposite way.

"Sorry!" he said, using his free arm to steady the person he'd knocked as Poppy still clung barefoot to the crook of his other arm.

"Oh!" he took in large grey eyes that looked startled and a pale and drawn face.

"Megan..." he said "Should look where I'm going, sorry"

"I...no problem" she replied, stepping back and allowing them out.

Sweetie nudged at her limp hands as they hung by her sides and she stroked the dog briefly before stepping into the elevator.

Don saw the blank expression return as the doors slid closed and mentally shook himself as he felt a slight extra pressure on his arm.

"My neighbour" he explained, leading her towards his door and having to disengage a moment as he fished his keys out and unlocked it.

Ushering Poppy and the two dogs through he shut it and sent up another vote of thanks that he'd cleaned his apartment top to bottom the day before. He'd have had to leave her outside twenty four hours ago, the impression his sloppy home skills would have made wasn't one he wanted to give to a gorgeous blonde.

"Here we are" he smiled "Can I get you a drink? Coffee? Juice?"

"Just some water please" Poppy replied, smiling indulgently as a now released Sweetie brought Sampson a toy and put it proudly at his feet. Sampson sniffed the raggy bunny suspiciously and lifted his head, gazing at his mistress with his aloof expression.

"Take a seat" Don offered, retrieving two bottles of water from his cooler and handing her one "I'll see if I can track down something to fix that shoe and get you home, though I don't mind giving you a ride across town..."

Poppy sat and opened her water "Honestly" she said "That's too much, this is kind enough...without chasing all over town after me"

"No problem" he grinned up from the drawer he was pawing through "It's around here somewhere..."

"This is a lovely apartment" Poppy sighed, looking towards the balcony "What a great view, no building in front to block it"

"You should see it at night" he murmured, his hand searching further into the drawer "It's amazing"

"I'm sure" she replied and he glanced up, seeing her walking around the room, looking at the pictures he had on display.

"This must be your father" she pointed to one of them "You look very like him"

"That was taken the day he graduated from police academy" Don told her "And the one next to it, the day I did"

"So to serve and protect is a family business?" she asked.

"Yup" Don located the tube of glue and closed the drawer, moving to stand next to her "Me, my dad, my grandpa an' his dad before him"

"Admirable" she smiled "And these...?"

She pointed to another array of pictures.

"That's my sister Sam" he said "And this motley crew are the guys I work with"

"Is this your partner?" she pointed to a picture of Don standing side by side with Danny, Danny holding a basket ball.

"No, that's Danny" he smiled "We work together, met on 9/11 in the aftermath and a few years later, he showed up in my precinct as a CSI"

"You look close" she observed.

"We are" he agreed "Though not so much now he's married with a little one, kinda takes up his time, I understand, but I miss him sometimes"

"I can imagine" she smiled at him "Do you have anyone to take up your time Don?"

"No" he answered levelly "Only the job, and the dog" he held her eye contact to see her reaction to the news he was single, this was usually where things picked up...but she just laughed, with no flirty edge, nothing, and replied.

"And such a lovely dog"

Don turned away and picked up her sneaker, examining it to cover his thoughts. Poppy was friendly, and seemed at ease with him but...well there were no _signs_ he thought. Maybe she just didn't find him attractive, or maybe she had a boyfriend. But as attractive as he found her, there wasn't the same vibe back, and as much as he was a chancer, Don Flack didn't like making a fool out of himself. Maybe he was losing his touch.

…...

Much later, having dispatched a grateful Poppy and her fixed shoe, Don sunk into the chair on his balcony with a beer in his hand, spreading the day's paper over his legs he took a swig and started to catch up on the events they reported.

No sooner was he engrossed in a story about The Knicks newest sponsor, than a knock at his door disturbed him. Sweetie shot back into the apartment, baying at the door furiously.

Don discarded the paper and followed, ushering her out of the way as he tried to open the door.

"It'd be more convincing" he told her "If you weren't waggin' your ass off"

He opened the door and was greeted with a spotty youth chewing gum and looking bored, he wore the standard uniform of a delivery company.

"I got a delivery for next door" the guy said, switching the gum from one side to the other "They're out, can you take it?"

Don regarded the sullen kid "Yeah, sure" he replied.

He found a box shoved into his shins and a hand held device thrust under his nose.

"Sign there" the kid mumbled.

Don scrawled his signature and handed it back, without another word the kid turned and stomped off down the hallway.

"You're welcome!" Don grumbled after him as he stooped to pick up the box. He read the address at the top, it was addressed to Megan, then he caught the sender address. It was from the Department of Defence, and judging by the size and weight of the box, Don guessed what it contained.

He placed the box carefully inside, looking at it sadly. He really didn't want to be the one to give someone he hardly knew something so personal, he suspected the box contained her husbands effects. He dealt with shit like this at work every day and he resented it intruding into his personal life.

But then as he turned away and went back to his beer and paper he considered that maybe it was better that he handed it over to her, at least he could do it with respect. The moody teenager that had delivered it to him would have added insult to injury.

...

_I found it! Well some of it anyway, enough to pick up the threads and start knitting them together! Edited this one tonight...so here you are!_


	6. Chapter 6

Sweet Sorrow

Chapter 6

Don was alerted to a presence next door when Sweetie jumped down from her place on the couch next to him and trotted onto the balcony, remembering the parcel he levered himself up and with a wince as a goal was missed in the game of ice hockey he watched, he stepped outside through the doors he'd left open.

"Hey Megan?" he called, hoping she was on the balcony and hadn't just opened the doors on her return.

"Yeah?"

She sounded quite close he thought, from where he stood next to the screen.

"I took a delivery for you earlier...shall I bring it over?" he asked, hoping his voice was suitably subdued.

"Oh right" she answered "I'll come and get it, thanks..."

"It's quite big" he replied "And heavy...from ah, the DOD"

"Oh" he knew his words may make him look like a stereotypical nosy neighbour but, well he had felt a need to warn her, prepare her. Because she'd know what was in that box when she saw it.

"I don't mind bringing it round" he said into the ensuing silence.

"Will it fit through the gap?" she replied "Instead of carrying it round here"

Don understood straight away, who would want someone witnessing the receipt of such a package? Especially a bumbling neighbour who didn't seem to know what to say.

"I think so" he said quietly "I'll just get it"

She didn't reply and after a moments hesitation he went inside and brought the box out. Sliding the plant pot completely away he wrestled with Sweetie for a moment as she tried to barge past him.

"No" he said firmly and pushed her back, hardening his heart to her pleading eyes "No"

He slid the box through and stood there, unsure what to do next. He held his leg in front of his eager dog while he waited.

"Thank you" he heard a soft reply "It was kind of you"

"Neighbourly" he replied, still not wanting to move. He waited as she slid the box away from the hole and he heard a creak as she presumably sat down again. He heard soft sniffs, looking down and away even though she couldn't see him, it felt wrong that he intruded on her private grief. But he also felt he couldn't just walk away and go back to his game.

"Would you like a beer?" he was horrified as it fell out of his mouth.

He heard a couple more sniffs before she answered.

"I think I would" she replied in a voice that wasn't steady.

"Just a minute" he said, leaning and starting to slide the planter back to stop Sweetie invading.

"Don't!" Don stopped at the sharp tone but didn't have chance to answer before she continued "I mean...sorry, just...well, I have her sandwich here...if it's OK"

Don blinked in surprise "Sure" he agreed, stepping back and allowing the dog to scramble through the hole "I'll er...get that beer then"

…...

"Thanks" Megan said as he pushed the bottle through the gap in the screen.

"If there's nothing else in my cooler" he replied "There's always beer"

She gave a low laugh "Good to know"

"Are you OK?" he felt compelled to ask the standard question.

"I don't know" the honesty in her answer touched him before she carried on "But I am sorry, this must be the last thing you need after a hard days detecting"

"It's no trouble" he replied "And anyway, my day off, even cops get them sometimes"

"Of course" she said "I saw you with your girlfriend earlier, the blonde"

"Oh she's not my girlfriend" he answered ruefully.

"Do I detect a 'yet' on the end of that?" the tone had a slightly amused edge to it.

"To be honest" he sighed "She doesn't seem interested"

"That's too bad" Megan replied "She looked quite taken with you, though maybe not as taken as Sweetie was with that hunk of a dog with her"

Don laughed, although it seemed odd to be having a conversation through a screen, with someone he hardly knew, it was strangely comfortable.

"Oh yeah" he grinned "She's got a crush goin' on there, she even offered him her favourite toy. Not that he was impressed with her half chewed bunny covered in saliva"

"Ungrateful" Megan said "He could do worse"

Don chuckled "He seems to tolerate her, like an annoying little sister. Not surprising really considering she practically knocks him over every time we meet them in the park"

"That where you met then?" Megan asked "Love over a leash?"

"Not quite" he grimaced "But yeah, Sweetie literally swept them both off their feet, I had to buy coffee to apologise"

"So you asked her out then?"

"Nah" Don replied "You win some you lose some"

Megan laughed and he heard the chink of glass as she put her bottle on the floor.

"Say, your mom's not gonna come 'round an' yell at me tomorrow is she?" he asked, only half kidding "For giving you beer?"

"Don't worry" she said with an air of conspiracy "I won't let on where I got it from"

"Thanks" he nodded "Been a long time since I been chewed out for givin' a girl alcohol"

Megan gave a low laugh "I can't imagine that you'd do anything so illegal, bein' a detective an' all"

Don chuckled "I have my moments"

Some minutes silence ticked by before he spoke again, something that had been nagging in his mind.

"So what do you do in the Navy?"

"Air support" she replied "Basically I'm the Navy's version of air traffic control, on an aircraft carrier"

"Sounds exciting" he commented.

"It can be" she agreed "I was on a tour of duty, active threats and the like, sending air support into the ground troops...I should still be there"

"Under the circumstances" Don ventured "You're probably best out of it"

"I got sent home" she answered "On leave, after...after Michael died. They call it compassionate leave, but they were just scared I was gonna crack up and cause an accident"

"You're entitled to some time" he said softly "To come to terms with things"

"I guess so" she sighed "I honestly don't know where to start"

The flat tone was back, and Don felt empathy rise within him.

"You start each day" he spoke quietly "And just try to get through it"

"Thanks" the tone wasn't really anything, and with an absence of facial expression, Don couldn't read her reaction correctly. He heard her stand up.

"Thank you for the beer and taking in the box" she said, her voice now businesslike.

"Any time" he said, listening as she evidently took the box inside and then closed the door.

Don sat for a few more moments before shivering, the air wasn't cold but he felt a sudden chill at the atmosphere.

…...

Don tossed and turned so much an hour or so later that Sweetie had removed herself from the bed with an indignant huff and stretched out on the floor.

He kept replaying moments of his strange conversation with Megan in his head. He resented the sense of responsibility he now felt towards her. He cursed the need he had to rescue everyone. And he hated the feelings that it was causing to resurface.

He'd dealt with Jess' death, OK, so at first he'd viewed it all from the bottom of a bottle, but he'd dealt with it.

Or had he? He wondered, had he rather pushed it all to one side? Laying on his back with an arm across his forehead he pondered.

He realised that he was crying when Sweetie crept back onto the bed and tucked her head under his chin, giving a great sigh.

He slung an arm around her and shuddered a long breath out. It was a long time since he'd cried, but he found that rather than making him sad and depressed, he felt better. He felt more at peace with his own feelings.


	7. Chapter 7

Sweet Sorrow

Chapter 7

Over the next week or so Don managed to not only completely forget the grieving neighbour, but also the blonde jogger and her dog. Work was crazy. Each season that came they said that it was the cold, the rain, the heat, the wind that drove the city crazy. In truth this damned city was just crazy full stop.

He was getting too...not old, he thought, he didn't feel old, jaded maybe? Beaten down by the constant proof of what people did to each other everyday? He was too _something_ to spend 24 hours at work any more.

As he walked straight past his car and headed for the subway he considered how he'd changed over the years. 24 hours had been nothing, and he'd have never considered himself too tired to drive safely, just stacked another cup of coffee and driven himself home. People grew up he supposed. He had discovered that there was more to life than catching criminals. Life was there to enjoy. A good book (not that he'd admit it to anyone), an early morning run with the dog, a tasty meal, bottle of decent wine. And a woman to be loved by. He'd always enjoyed those things, in some form or another. But he'd never felt _lonely_ like he sometimes did now. Oh he'd thought he had, feeling sorry for himself. But with hindsight he realised he hadn't been lonely, he'd been young and horny. He'd be happy to have someone to curl up with on the sofa right now, someone to make him some dinner because he was too tired to do it himself. Back then he was 'lonely' when he'd gone a week without seeing a naked woman in his bed. He wondered if he'd still be the same if things hadn't developed between him and Jess. Maybe.

Thoughts of Jess weren't uncommon, and his mind liked sometimes to torture him with 'could have been' scenarios. Stepping onto the subway train on automatic pilot he sat and stared at the dark window. But he saw something else. It had been 5 years, almost 6. He wondered where they'd be now?

Would they have broken up? Nah, he laughed at himself, seeing his reflection smile back, they'd been crazy about each other. Oh they fought, but they'd been pretty solid by the time she... his mind stopped that direction. He needed comfort.

Would they still be work partners? He doubted it, they'd only just got out of the last IAB investigation unscathed, the slightest hint of anything and he'd have probably been on traffic detail. No he thought, Jess had already made mention of one of them transferring, of one of them either moving out of the 12th or taking a new direction. He'd felt resistant to the idea, wanting her where he could keep her safe – huh wasn't that a joke?! Nope, he thought, not tonight I'm not doing that. He went back to his fantasy.

Jess had hinted that she'd be the one that would move on, she had an interest in domestic violence, and he knew she'd got as far as collecting some forms putting a transfer into place. He'd asked what the rush was and she'd smiled, saying there was no rush, but she wanted to see what was available, in case in the future there _was_ a rush. He thought she'd meant another investigation, or being pushed into it because of the brass. It was only after she died that he realised she was doing it because she wanted her relationship with him more than her place in homicide. He was glad she'd made that call, because in the same situation, he wasn't totally sure what he'd have decided.

Visions of white picket fences and smiling Jess were crowding his mind, he was happy, watching those things. They'd have made it, he decided, been married probably now, kid on the way, good life, a future.

He jerked awake as the train rattled around a corner and blinked at his reflection. He was annoyed that he'd started to dream there, on the train. He knew that when he was at home and able to sleep and dream, he'd not recapture that scene again, he never could.

Standing and waiting for the doors to open he yawned. He still felt lonely, no matter how much he dreamed and fantasised that Jess was still alive and he still had her, it would never be true. But they served a purpose these dreams, he felt soothed.

…...

He felt refreshed and settled when he woke the next morning, and his fanciful thoughts far from his mind.

Taking his juice out to the balcony he stared hard at the 6 pack of beer that had taken the place of the plant pot. Before he could stop her Sweetie had wolfed the bacon sandwich that had been on the top of the pack, napkin and all.

"Pig" he snorted at her as she snuffled around for any crumbs she might have dropped.

Picking up the 6 pack he saw a note attached, he gave Sweetie a sour look.

"I guess I should be grateful this didn't follow the napkin huh?"

She wagged her tail and turned her head onto one side in the endearing fashion that was all her own. Don rubbed her head softly as he read the note.

'_Thank you'_ was all it said. He folded it and put it in his pocket, draining his juice.

"C'mon then" he grinned at the dog "I'm gonna have another crack at Poppy"

…...

"Oh hey Poppy" Don smiled, pushing the aviators up onto his head and eyeing the tall blonde Adonis she had been jogging alongside with a sinking feeling.

"Hi Don" she purred at him "And Hi Sweetie" she crooned as his dog waggled her way up to her.

"This is the guy I was telling you about Josh" Poppy smiled at her companion "His dog is so _cute_, look at her..."

Don swallowed, the guy was looking at him oddly.

"Josh, this is Don, and his dog Sweetie, we meet most mornings somewhere along here" she introduced "Don, this is Josh, my brother, he just _loves_ coming with Sampy and me sometimes for a run!"

Don extended his hand to the man automatically and was greeted with a wan smile but a firm grip.

"A pleasure" Josh said, in a purr to rival his sisters.

And then the penny dropped, Don was being set up...with a guy...

"Ahem" Don managed "Pleased to meet you"

"Are you rushing off to work Don?" Poppy asked in her appealing manner "I thought the three of us, oh I mean five! Of us could grab a coffee...or something cooler...?"

Despite his intention to not appear rude, Don started to back away slightly and make his excuses.

"I'm afraid I am..." he said, groping around for Sweetie's leash "Busy day as a cop...you know this city..."

"Oh Pops you didn't say he was a _cop_" Josh crooned "How lovely!"

Don swallowed "Well nice to have met you" he managed before grabbing an unsuspecting Sweetie by her scruff and clipping her leash on "Gotta run..."


	8. Chapter 8

Sweet Sorrow

Chapter 8

The day didn't get much better, three crime scenes and rising, his captain yelling at everyone and to make it worse, he had to stay at the latest scene and babysit Ross.

It wasn't that he didn't like the guy, in fact he did, a lot. He just didn't see why Mac thought it was OK to send the only unarmed member of his team to the decomp scene. Adam was the only one left apparently, as he'd haltingly apologised for about 10 times already.

"I told you" Don finally snapped through teeth clenched with the effort of not breathing in the smell "It's fine. Sooner you process, sooner we can go home – and shower"

"It's pretty bad huh?" Adam laughed.

"Oh yeah" Don pulled a face and then softened slightly "Anything I can do? To help? Speed things up a bit"

"Well you could..." Adam looked startled "Set up the tape, look for the bullet..."

Don continued to look at him without expression, Adam took the hint. He put the tape down and picked up a bottle of luminol and a light source.

"Spray this on the walls" he handed Don the bottle "Then shine this over it..."

"It lights up it's blood right?" Don asked eagerly.

"Or another body fluid" Adam confirmed "Semen, saliva...maybe erm, decomp seeing as the body has exploded with the gases and the heat n'all..."

Don pulled a face and handed the luminol back "Give me the tape"

…...

Don stretched his feet out before him and sighed, popping the lid off of the first bottle in the six pack by his chair he took a long swig and sighed again.

"Tough day Detective Don?"

Don smiled to himself at Megan's voice, he was glad she was OK, or at least alive. He'd attended enough suicide scenes to know what could drive someone to it.

"Kinda" he admitted "You?"

"Oh sure" came the dry reply "The queue at the dry cleaners was _hell_. Not to mention the coffee shop and the store, I don't know how I cope with the excitement in my life"

Don chuckled "You sound like you're missing active service"

"I'm missing my husband" she replied, once again Don marvelled at the honesty that seemed to flourish between two almost strangers that couldn't see each other.

"Beer?" he offered.

"Yeah" she replied quietly and he popped another cap off and pushed the bottle through the hole, he heard her pick it up and take a swig "Thanks" she said.

"You bought them" he supplied quietly "Thank you for that"

"I wanted to thank you for taking the box in" she replied "And for not making a big deal out of it"

"It's not a problem" he answered, and soaked up the silence that followed.

"Make me laugh Detective Don" she sighed finally "I'm tired of crying"

Don knew that feeling all too well, and he empathised, he'd spent times wishing that he could just laugh and smile again without the pain of grief lurking in the background.

"I got fixed up today" he said in a companionable tone "My dog strikes again"

"Another jogging bunny with massive boobs and no personality?" Megan asked, but her tone was a little lighter.

"Nope" he smiled to himself "Turns out big boobed jogging bunny thinks I'm gay, she tried to set me up with her brother"

He heard something that may have been a soft laugh "And you're surprised she thought you are gay?" Megan replied "Your dog is called Sweetie, you're clean, shaven, good looking and polite. Of _course_ she thought you were gay"

Don laughed "Kinda flattered"

"He good lookin'?" Megan asked.

"I...I couldn't really tell, I guess so" Don hedged.

"You _guess_ so?" Megan echoed "Either the guys hot or he's not"

"Well, _were_ I gay, I'd have bought him a coffee" Don chuckled.

"But as you're not you didn't?"

"Nah, made my excuses and left" he agreed "And tomorrow, we go through the park a different way"

"Poor Sweetie" Megan sympathised "Just because you're not getting anywhere you plan to deprive her of the love of her life..."

"_I_ should be the love of her life" Don replied "I'm the one puts food on the table"

"Or in the bowl" she added.

"Nope" he said in a flat tone "My dog is special, she eats right next to me"

"And you wonder why you're single?" Megan teased.

"I know why I'm single" he returned and the atmosphere changed.

"Why?" she asked, he could hear the interest in her voice.

"I'm in love with someone already" he said quietly.

"And she's not with you?"

_What the fuck is this? _ He thought _How am I telling someone I barely know past hello things I've never told anyone?_

"I think maybe she was" he answered "But I suppose I'll never know"

"Why?" from the tone in her voice he knew she had already guessed.

"She died" he said softly.

"Tell me it gets easier Detective Don" Megan asked quietly, almost begged him to give her hope.

"It gets easier" he said carefully "But when people say you get over losing someone you love, you can't. 'Least I can't, I'm just learning to live with it, a day, week, month, a _year_ at a time"

"That sucks" Megan sighed.

"Yeah" Don nodded, although she couldn't see him "It sucks, but one day I realised that I could think about Jess and it doesn't tear me apart any more. Then another day I found myself smiling at a memory, instead of feeling like I wanted to curl up and die. And another I discovered that despite myself my life _had_ gone on, and I didn't feel guilty about it, I felt grateful"

"That you were alive?"

"That too" he agreed "But mainly grateful that I had what I did with Jess. They say that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. For along time I felt like hunting down and punching that guy, the one who said it, because how could it be better to feel the best thing in the world and then have it destroyed right in front of you? But now I get it, I can't change what happened to Jess, no one can, but for a long time I cursed the day I realised that I wanted more, and acted on it. Was angry with her that she wasn't stronger than me and accepted what I had to offer and gave me so much more back, despite the risk it put us both in professionally. I regretted taking things further than partners because to lose your cop partner is hard enough...but losing her was...well you know how that feels. I thought that if none of it had happened then I wouldn't feel that way, so dead and empty. But now, well, if I had to relive it again, and I couldn't change the obvious, I wouldn't change anything else either because I'm just grateful"

"I understand what you're saying" Megan said quietly "I just don't see myself ever feeling like that" he noted her voice turn gravelly at the end and he waited patiently, in case she wanted to continue.

"I _hate_ him Don" she whispered, barely loud enough to be heard "I hate him for making me fall in love with him, for making himself so important to me and then _leaving_! He just gave up! Why didn't he fight harder?! For _me_ for _us_?! We had our whole lives ahead of us, wasn't that something to live for?! Wasn't I _enough_?!"

Don felt tears sting his own eyes not for the first time since this odd friendship had started. He knew that feeling, he knew that she felt abandoned, bereft. He'd been similarly angry with Jess, asking her memory repeatedly why she had to play the hero? Why had she tried to defend that man, stop him being taken? Why hadn't she just ducked under the table and taken cover? The way she'd died had made her a hero, but Don would have preferred her alive and a coward. He still would, but he knew that it was one of the reasons he'd fallen in love with her in the first place, her bravery, her refusal to let the bad guy win. They were the same in that respect.

But his insight didn't help him answer her plea, it told him that she wasn't _asking_ him the question, she was expressing how she felt, and that could only be a good thing.

He waited until he heard her breathing calm again and decided they _both_ needed to change the subject. But when he called out he got no answer.

Standing up he went back inside, either she had gone in herself almost silently or she couldn't face talking right there. He wasn't offended, he'd been there.

...

_Have posted two as I should have posted the last chapter a while ago, it would seem I uploaded it and then got distracted...so I've posted both together._


End file.
